Inside My 3 Pound Universe by David Boyne contains essays like Mark Twain would write. If Mark Twain was not dead. And not Mark Twain. But if Mark Twain was not dead and not himself he could sue David Boyne for claiming his essays even begin to approach the quality and brillance and laugh-out-loudness of essays by Mark Twain.

HAPPY ACCIDENTS
12 Offbeat Essays Exploring the Irony in the Ordinary

by David Boyne

"These essays brim with profound insight. They are tales of ordinary life, extraordinarily observed. And they're funny. So funny you hardly know he's making you think 'til you catch yourself doing it." --Patty Kadel, Cartoonist

"These stories take you on a sardonic ride as curvy as it is bodacious. Sardonic, curvy, bodacious. Yeah, that's what I said." --Julie Ann Weinstein, author of Flashes From the Other World

"These beautifully crafted, poignant, and humorous essays by David Boyne capture the magic in daily life, if we stop and pay attention. He reminds us that happiness, indeed, is not an accident." -- Paula Margulies, author of Coyote Heart

"These essays are poignant, funny and intellectually charged." — Traci Foust, author of Nowhere Near Normal, A Memoir of OCD

Buy the Happy Accidents Kindle book

X MARKS THE SPOT: We're All Going to Die! So… What's for Lunch?

by David Boyne

13 More Offbeat Essays Boldly Exploring the Irony of the Ordinary

Hilarious, deceptively meaningful essays of ordinary, everyday events, in which the author sets out to prove his startling, radical, highly controversial assertion that we are all going to die.

In these fast and furiously funny essays we ride shotgun as David Boyne arrives in a new city and is given a map by a mysterious stranger (X MARKS THE SPOT), or reads his email (GRUDGE HOLDING LETTER BOMBING SHIT LISTERS), or strains to curb his inherited gene of East Coast sarcasm as he mixes it up with goofy new-age Californians (IT’S ALL GOOD, ADVENTURES IN THE LAND OF THE LOTUS EATERS). We breeze down a wacky detour back to high school (WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!) but then take a wrong turn and find ourselves lost in the woods (JUST PASSING THROUGH) and wind up parsing the meaning of a Japanese obituary (EITHER AND OR).

And after this wild, bumpy, exhilarating, ironic odyssey through the ordinary, we will look up and find -- that we are right back where we started. The world around us is exactly the same as when we left it.

But we’re not.

Buy the X Marks the Spot Kindle book

TRAVELS IN MY 3 POUND UNIVERSE : 12 Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going

by David Boyne

From a Review by Ann Bancroft

These brilliant stories, or essays if you insist on calling them that, go off on tangents. They will grab you and insist that you come along for explorations of everything from the terrors of kindergarten (The First Circle of Hell) to the bitter-sweetness of parenting (For My Collection) to the shocking discovery of the purpose of Life (Quo Vadis, Dude?).

And if that were not enough, David Boyne also presents practical advice on mastering the essential art of recalling one's dreams (Row, Row, Row Your Boat) dealing with shark attacks (Who's In Charge Here?) and deciding what to retrieve, or to leave behind, in one’s Past (Sailing Alone Around the World).

The stories in this way off-the-beaten-path travelogue take you through a beautiful, spongy, delightful mass of gray matter. They are wry, tender, and carry just a hint of the acerbic. They intoxicate.

Now that I think of it, this book should come with a Warning Label:

Reading these stories may cause outbursts of laughter and inappropriate questioning. Being under their influence may impair your ability to take things seriously and to realize that objects in mirrors are way closer than they appear.

It happened to me. It could happen to you.

Buy the Travels In My Three Pound Universe Kindle book

VELOCITY: Odd Stories of People in Motion (fiction)
by David Boyne

The lively and decidely offbeat stories in this collection of fiction include darkly hilarious lampoons, such as NEWTON’S COMEUPPANCE, the author’s entry into the venerable shaggy dog genre, in which, thanks to a 90-pound beach combing golden retriever who discovers secret anti-gravity technology—the entire world is transformed—for better AND for worse. Or THE CONFESSION BOOTH, in which a lean and hungry and horny young lawyer discovers sexual release—and insightful career counseling—behind the Green Door inside the Pink Pussycat Theatre.

Other stories are quietly unsettling, with common elements, that may or may not be connected, with a flow of events that leave us at the end, like the characters, with new unanswered questions. There is the history professor who takes a book from the body of a dead homeless man in THE IMMIGRANT, and the 11-year-old boy at the center of IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, who steals a book from the library.

Other stories, such as THE SURVIVOR and OUT IN THE COLD, show a middle-aged woman and a teen-age boy responding to the overwhelming power of accident, and of anger.

Then there are stories of small-scale ridiculousness, with the “roommate from Hell” story, THE DAWN OF JOY. And large-scale ridiculousness, such as BUMS: A NEW YORK CHRISTMAS STORY that, believe it or not, takes place in August, inside the Third Street Mens Shelter, opening with a food fight that escalates into a city-wide riot.

Buy the Velocity Stories Kindle book

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Inside My
Three Pound Universe

12 Offbeat Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going

by David Boyne Tweet

"...these stories may cause outbursts of laughter and inappropriate questioning. Being under their influence may impair your ability to take things seriously..." —Ann Bancroft

Inside My Three Pound Universe is the second book in the Kindle series, I Could Be Wrong, But... Collected Essays of David Boyne.

Other Kindle books in the series include, Happy Accidents , X Marks the Spot, and Resistance Is Futile!

Hilarious, deceptively meaningful essays of ordinary events.

This collection of essays attempts to answer A Really Big Question -- "In the wrestling match called Life, each time we get Head Locked, Bitch Slapped, and Samoan Dropped to the mat--Why do we get back up?"

From the Introduction by Ann Bancroft to TRAVELS IN MY THREE POUND UNIVERSE:

Truth® will be revealed. You will laugh. You will See and, afterward, be more likely to make the most of your once-in-a-lifetime Life. At the very least, you'll have learned the critical life-art of driving a sofa (Feng Shui This, Bub!).

These brilliant stories, or essays if you insist on calling them that, go off on tangents. They will grab you and insist that you come along for explorations of everything from the terrors of kindergarten (The First Circle of Hell) to the bitter-sweetness of parenting (For My Collection) to the shocking discovery of the purpose of Life (Quo Vadis, Dude?).

And if that were not enough, David Boyne also presents practical advice on mastering the essential art of recalling one's dreams (Row, Row, Row Your Boat) dealing with shark attacks (Who's In Charge Here?) and deciding what to retrieve, or to leave behind, in one's Past (Sailing Alone Around the World).

The stories in this way off-the-beaten-path travelogue take you through a beautiful, spongy, delightful mass of gray matter. They are wry, tender, and carry just a hint of the acerbic. They intoxicate.

Now that I think of it, this book should come with a Warning Label:

Reading these stories may cause outbursts of laughter and inappropriate questioning. Being under their influence may impair your ability to take things seriously and to realize that objects in mirrors are way closer than they appear.

It happened to me. It could happen to you.

(Please note that no trees were harmed or mistreated in the production of these Kindle ebooks. All electrons employed were over 18-billion-years old and freely consenting. Any resemblance between the characters in these stories and actual people is entirely intentional.)

Buy a Kindle Now! (Or just check them out.)

Entertaining, exhilarating, literate, and always himself. by K. Svaboda - This review is from: Travels In My Three Pound Universe: 12 Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going (Kindle Edition)

David Boyne effortlessly skewers some of life's big questions, walking a fine edge between humor and wisdom, reporting on the journey. It is not easy to do this without preaching, becoming tiresome or telling the truth too often. Oscar Wilde managed it. Different people (you know who you are) keep saying, "What if those who are the most off-the-wall are the only sane ones among us?" I, for one, appreciate David's perspectives on matters sublime and ridiculous. They add yeast to my own 3-pound lump of dough. Of course he may be wrong, but...he is definitely worth reading.

Boyne to be wild, by Thornton H. Sully - This review is from: Travels In My Three Pound Universe: 12 Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going (Kindle Edition)

David Boyne loves to play fetch with us puppy-dogs. He lets us get a good sniff of the stick in his opening paragraph, and then tosses our attention span beyond the clouds. We are soon too distracted by all the wonderful and witty observations he has mark twained upon the page to care about fetching the stick, as he has us roll over and beg for more. Then the most amazing thing happens: the stick that he tossed, that we thought had no relevance at all to his story, comes back and pops us in the funny bone. We then realize it never was a stick, it was a boomerang. Read David Boyne at your own peril, and be prepared to duck.

But that's another story, by eyc -This review is from: Travels In My Three Pound Universe: 12 Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going (Kindle Edition)

After revisiting the horrors of kindergarten, surviving the early years in Shock and Awe, and succeeding in being a failure at everything but being a failure, David Boyne goes sailing in a car or driving a sofa in search of the next hysterical story. This is definitely worth reading over and over, with each time bringing new insights and chuckles, and the mad desire to talk to someone about "Did you ever...," "I remember when...," and "That's me!"

Hilarious, when you think about it. And you will., by annban - This review is from: Travels In My Three Pound Universe: 12 Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going (Kindle Edition)

David Boyne's stories grab you and insist that you come along for explorations of everything from the terrors of kindergarten to the bitter-sweetness of parenting to the shocking discovery of the purpose of Life. They will take you way off the beaten path, through a beautiful, quirky, delightful mass of gray matter. You will emerge laughing, altered, and never taking things quite so seriously again.

I may be wrong, but I think we're there, by Russ Shor - This review is from: Travels In My Three Pound Universe: 12 Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going (Kindle Edition)

David Boyne is like a renegade Andy Rooney, only with something to say. Really. His essays begin with an observation, then a question, lead us through a few left turns into rebel territory and somehow the question's answered without ever going back. He's an original humorist, who'll make you laugh out loud and, at the end of it, you'll agree with him that life's a helluva good ride even with botch slaps and pile drives.

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Was $13,375.95— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)	Was $23,975.95— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)	Was $17,615.95— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)
Was $39,975.99— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)	David Boyne has failed at everything he has tried. He once considered becoming a better person. But when told identity theft was illegal, he abandoned the idea. When not boldly staring into Space, being distracted, or scheming for Total World Domination, he exposes himself in public at DavidBoyne.com and ICouldBeWrongBut.com	Was $3,982.99— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)

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