HAPPY ACCIDENTS
12 Offbeat Essays Exploring the Irony in the Ordinary

by David Boyne

"These essays brim with profound insight. They are tales of ordinary life, extraordinarily observed. And they're funny. So funny you hardly know he's making you think 'til you catch yourself doing it." --Patty Kadel, Cartoonist

"These stories take you on a sardonic ride as curvy as it is bodacious. Sardonic, curvy, bodacious. Yeah, that's what I said." --Julie Ann Weinstein, author of Flashes From the Other World

"These beautifully crafted, poignant, and humorous essays by David Boyne capture the magic in daily life, if we stop and pay attention. He reminds us that happiness, indeed, is not an accident." -- Paula Margulies, author of Coyote Heart

"These essays are poignant, funny and intellectually charged." — Traci Foust, author of Nowhere Near Normal, A Memoir of OCD

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X MARKS THE SPOT: We're All Going to Die! So… What's for Lunch?

by David Boyne

13 More Offbeat Essays Boldly Exploring the Irony of the Ordinary

Hilarious, deceptively meaningful essays of ordinary, everyday events, in which the author sets out to prove his startling, radical, highly controversial assertion that we are all going to die.

In these fast and furiously funny essays we ride shotgun as David Boyne arrives in a new city and is given a map by a mysterious stranger (X MARKS THE SPOT), or reads his email (GRUDGE HOLDING LETTER BOMBING SHIT LISTERS), or strains to curb his inherited gene of East Coast sarcasm as he mixes it up with goofy new-age Californians (IT’S ALL GOOD, ADVENTURES IN THE LAND OF THE LOTUS EATERS). We breeze down a wacky detour back to high school (WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!) but then take a wrong turn and find ourselves lost in the woods (JUST PASSING THROUGH) and wind up parsing the meaning of a Japanese obituary (EITHER AND OR).

And after this wild, bumpy, exhilarating, ironic odyssey through the ordinary, we will look up and find -- that we are right back where we started. The world around us is exactly the same as when we left it.

But we’re not.

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TRAVELS IN MY 3 POUND UNIVERSE : 12 Essays Proving That All Roads Lead to Where We're Going

by David Boyne

From a Review by Ann Bancroft

These brilliant stories, or essays if you insist on calling them that, go off on tangents. They will grab you and insist that you come along for explorations of everything from the terrors of kindergarten (The First Circle of Hell) to the bitter-sweetness of parenting (For My Collection) to the shocking discovery of the purpose of Life (Quo Vadis, Dude?).

And if that were not enough, David Boyne also presents practical advice on mastering the essential art of recalling one's dreams (Row, Row, Row Your Boat) dealing with shark attacks (Who's In Charge Here?) and deciding what to retrieve, or to leave behind, in one’s Past (Sailing Alone Around the World).

The stories in this way off-the-beaten-path travelogue take you through a beautiful, spongy, delightful mass of gray matter. They are wry, tender, and carry just a hint of the acerbic. They intoxicate.

Now that I think of it, this book should come with a Warning Label:

Reading these stories may cause outbursts of laughter and inappropriate questioning. Being under their influence may impair your ability to take things seriously and to realize that objects in mirrors are way closer than they appear.

It happened to me. It could happen to you.

Buy the Travels In My Three Pound Universe Kindle book

VELOCITY: Odd Stories of People in Motion (fiction)
by David Boyne

The lively and decidely offbeat stories in this collection of fiction include darkly hilarious lampoons, such as NEWTON’S COMEUPPANCE, the author’s entry into the venerable shaggy dog genre, in which, thanks to a 90-pound beach combing golden retriever who discovers secret anti-gravity technology—the entire world is transformed—for better AND for worse. Or THE CONFESSION BOOTH, in which a lean and hungry and horny young lawyer discovers sexual release—and insightful career counseling—behind the Green Door inside the Pink Pussycat Theatre.

Other stories are quietly unsettling, with common elements, that may or may not be connected, with a flow of events that leave us at the end, like the characters, with new unanswered questions. There is the history professor who takes a book from the body of a dead homeless man in THE IMMIGRANT, and the 11-year-old boy at the center of IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, who steals a book from the library.

Other stories, such as THE SURVIVOR and OUT IN THE COLD, show a middle-aged woman and a teen-age boy responding to the overwhelming power of accident, and of anger.

Then there are stories of small-scale ridiculousness, with the “roommate from Hell” story, THE DAWN OF JOY. And large-scale ridiculousness, such as BUMS: A NEW YORK CHRISTMAS STORY that, believe it or not, takes place in August, inside the Third Street Mens Shelter, opening with a food fight that escalates into a city-wide riot.

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Was $23,975.95— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies last)

X Marks the Spot

We're All Going to Die!
So... What's for Lunch? Tweet

by David Boyne

X Marks the Spot is the third book in the Kindle series, I Could Be Wrong, But... Collected Essays of David Boyne.

Other Kindle books in the series include, Travels In My Three Pound Universe, Happy Accidents, and Resistance Is Futile!

From the Author's Dedication page: This ebook is dedicated to planet Earth and to everyone and everything who lives here now or has ever lived here. Even the velociraptors. I know I complain a lot, and I'm always looking for some place better. But in my heart, there's no place like home.

Hilarious, deceptively meaningful essays of ordinary, everyday events, in which the author sets out to prove his startling, radical, highly controversial assertion that we are all going to die.

In these fast and furiously funny essays we ride shotgun as David Boyne arrives in a new city and is given a map by a mysterious stranger (X MARKS THE SPOT), or reads his email (GRUDGE HOLDING LETTER BOMBING SHIT LISTERS), or strains to curb his inherited gene of East Coast sarcasm as he mixes it up with goofy new-age Californians (IT’S ALL GOOD, ADVENTURES IN THE LAND OF THE LOTUS EATERS).

We breeze down a wacky detour back to high school (WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!) but then take a wrong turn and find ourselves lost in the woods (JUST PASSING THROUGH). We will stand with our ironic guide on the rim of the Grand Canyon (FAST MOVING HIGH FOLLOWED BY LINGERING DEPRESSION), and ride a bike with him through grid-locked Manhattan (PAST PRESENT FUTURE), and drive a sick child to the emergency room (BREATHING LESSONS), and explore the meaning of a Japanese obituary (EITHER AND OR).

And after this wild, bumpy, exhilarating, sardonic odyssey through the ordinary, we will look up and find -- that we are right back where we started. The world around us is exactly the same as when we left it. But we’re not.

Praise for I COULD BE WRONG, BUT… COLLECTED ESSAYS OF DAVID BOYNE

"Like those other two Davids, Dave Barry and David Sedaris, David Boyne analyzes life's minor truths and comes up with the uncomfortable (some might say, absurd) questions that may not topple governments, but do make life richer."
--Ken Callaway, Screenwriter/Composer (imdb.com/name/nm2765364/bio)

"These essays brim with profound insight. They are tales of ordinary life, extraordinarily observed. And they're funny. So funny you hardly know he's making you think 'til you catch yourself doing it."
--Patty Kadel, Cartoonist (PattyKadel.com)

"These stories take you on a sardonic ride as curvy as it is bodacious. Sardonic, curvy, bodacious. Yeah, that's what I said."
--Julie Ann Weinstein, author of Flashes From the Other World (JulieWeinstein.com)

"Beautifully crafted, poignant, and humorous. Essays by David Boyne capture the magic in daily life, if we stop and pay attention. He reminds us that happiness, indeed, is not an accident."
-- Paula Margulies, author of Coyote Heart (PaulaMargulies.com)

"These essays are poignant, funny and intellectually charged."
-- Traci Foust, author of Nowhere Near Normal, A Memoir of OCD

(Please note that no trees were harmed or mistreated in the production of these Kindle ebooks. All electrons employed were over 18-billion-years old and freely consenting. Any resemblance between the characters in these stories and actual people is entirely intentional.)

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Don't Let This Guy Fool You, by K. Svoboda This review is of: X Marks the Spot: We're All Going to Die! So... What's for Lunch? (Kindle Edition)

Exit, your usual way of looking at everyday things. Enter, David Boyne. Life, death, lunch, Manhattan transit, the speed of light -- this little group of essays breathlessly covers a lot of territory. I actually found it to be a page-turner, which is a big thing to say about a little group of essays. Half of me spent the time saying, "Why didn't I think of that?" while the other half of me was busy saying, "Oh, yes, just what I think, too." David never preaches and never assumes anything about his readers--a refreshing attitude. This is likely to be one of the best uses you have ever made of $3.95.

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Was $13,375.95— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)	Was $23,975.95— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)	Was $17,615.95— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)
Was $39,975.99— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)	David Boyne has failed at everything he has tried. He once considered becoming a better person. But when told identity theft was illegal, he abandoned the idea. When not boldly staring into Space, being distracted, or scheming for Total World Domination, he exposes himself in public at DavidBoyne.com and ICouldBeWrongBut.com	Was $3,982.99— Now just $3.95 on Amazon! (While supplies of electrons last)

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