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by David Boyne
A One Act Comedy
by
David Boyne
DASH
You're wonderful!
I love you! I mean, we love you!
CARRIE
(pushes the bottle into his chest)
Pop my cork, lover.
DASH
(preparing to pop cork)
Exactly! I mean what he, the little guy, and me, what we we're talking about: popping corks--
(pops champagne cork, pours wine
into his circus mug and an
equally silly glass
Carrie hurriedly takes from the
cabinet for herself)
(Offstage: a scratch on the screen
door)
Madam--
(affecting Southern drawl)
I believe there is a cat at your back door.
CARRIE
(sips wine)
Why, Colonel! Is that some folksy double entendre?
DASH
Child, you're so delightfully naive. That was a triple entendre, at the very least.
CARRIE
Cad.
DASH
Scoundrel, actually. On my mother's side.
CARRIE
Rogue--
DASH
Ah, yes. Papa's branch of the family tree.
CARRIE
Rake. Rascal. Reprobate.
(clearing throat pompously) Rap-scal-lion.
DASH
I say, whoa! That's my entire gene pool...
(sips wine, muses...)
Alas, I'm none of the above. Much to my dismay. I'm only a husband... a father... a middle management automaton--
(cat meows louder)
And a dutiful letter-in of pussy cats.
(sets down glass; exits)
CARRIE
(watches him go)
And wonderful.
(refills their glasses)
Dash, you're good at everything. Work uses you up, and you're good at it. The kids use you up, and you're a great father. I use you up...and...
When I finish school...
But that's a year, at least. I need a vacation. Now. Dash, you need a vacation.
(looks at lobsters)
How about a trip to the beach, boys?
DASH
(returns)
The cat's in. Place your bets and start the timers!
CARRIE
Two dollars on three minutes.
DASH
Dog in? Or cat out?
CARRIE
Two dollars on cat out-- three minutes.
DASH
Madam, your wager is placed.
CARRIE
And yours, good sir?
DASH
One million dollars--
CARRIE
So much!
DASH
Not really; Canadian dollars. One million Canadian dollars, on dog in-- five and one half minutes.
CARRIE
(sets timer on stove)
Three minutes... cat out.
DASH
(sets timer on his watch)
Five and one half minutes... dog in.
(they shake hands)
Done!
CARRIE
(points at the lobsters)
Ahem!
DASH
I can't do it either.
CARRIE
You're serious!
DASH
Don't ask me why. I just can't kill anything. It's stupid.
(lifts pan; does Peter Lorre)
Rick! Hide us! Hide us, Rick!
Carrie, I feel like packing them into the car, buckling each into a seat belt and driving them to the ocean--
CARRIE
We were just talking about a trip to the beach!
DASH
We?
CARRIE
(nods at lobsters)
Me and the fellas.
DASH
Excuse me, was that sentence grammatical?
CARRIE
I'm in my own house. It's late. I'm tired. I'm drinking champagne. I'm hungry. I reserve the right to speak informally, use colloquialisms and idiomatic expressions liberally, and yes, even slang!
DASH
(looking at his crotch)
She talks English real good.
CARRIE
Dash, why don't we?
DASH
(glances at his crotch, then at
Carrie)
Why don't we...?
CARRIE
The beach. We all need a vacation. The kids haven't been to the beach in months. You always say one of the best pleasures in life is being on a beach with small kids and a large dog. You've got both, so--
DASH
Which is why I never have time to go to the beach. Do you know how much it costs to feed and--
CARRIE
Now you have a compelling mission, a mission of mercy.
(nods at lobsters)
Set them free.
DASH
I paid money for those!
And now she says drive them to the beach! Set them free!
(takes a lobster in each hand,
hobbles around a la Quasimodo) Sanctuary! Sanctuary! The beach! Sanc-tu-ar-y!
CARRIE
(laughing)
Dash! Stop!
(she burps, loudly; both are
stunned a moment, then both fall
to the floor, hugging,
wrestling, laughing, trying to
restrain themselves and making it
worse... Dash has set the
lobsters on the floor)
DASH
Wait! I've just the thing to save us--
(runs to sofa, throws off clothes
and clutter,
digs out a battered accordion; drops
to his knees)
CARRIE
No! Not that!
DASH
Oh, but, oui! Mon Cherie!
CARRIE
I'm begging! Oh, please, no! Not that!
DASH
Oh, but yes! Zee time is r-r-ripe for: Zee Toulouse Lautrec School of Zee Can-Can!
CARRIE
(tries to escape but Dash corners
her, wraps his arms around her
waist, places his head on her belly,
manages to "play" (he can't) the
accordion)
DASH
Ah! My lovely wench! What bawdy tawdries I have in mind for you! Do not struggle, my flower petal. Let us begin! Your first lesson in zee world famous Can-Can!
(begins a Can-Can dance on his
knees while slapping accordion)
CARRIE
(droops to floor, laughing
hysterically)
Don't! Stop!
DASH
(with sexual innuendo)
Don't!... Stop! Don't!... Stop!.... Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop! Ah, oui, my fragrant floozie, we will do the Don't Stop! all night long! We shall Can-Can zee night away!
CARRIE
Dash! I'll wet my pants!
(offstage: boy's voice)
Daddy!
(offstage: girl's voice)
Mommy!
(Dash and Carrie hush each other)
DASH
(whispering)
I am yet enough of a comic ac-tor to make an English grad student, wife, and mother of two, wet her pants!
CARRIE
(scrambling up)
It's the wine!
DASH
(on his knees)
Not. It's my genius for low comedy.
(each exits, Dash to son;
Carrie to daughter; the lobsters,
left on the floor by Dash, begin to
move...
[put chassis and remote control from
radio cars into shellacked lobster
husk]... they crawl to front stage
center, turn, go into bedroom and
burrow into the His and Her laundry
piles.
(the timer
on the stove goes off, marking
Carrie's bet, then Carrie and Dash
return )
CARRIE
She all right?
DASH
Fine. She asked if Uncle Toulouse would be staying, if she'd see him at breakfast...
He all right?
CARRIE
Fine. Half-asleep even as he was talking to me. We need to be quieter. No more Quasimodo. No more Uncle Toulouse.
(they enjoy an extended moment of
quiet; Carrie opens the
refrigerator)
We still have those chips and the salsa--
DASH
(putting his hand on hers)
Ssshh... Let's just stand here... quiet.
(Carrie stops)
We're alone... together in our own house... drinking champagne... and it's qui--
(phone rings)
Let the machine answer.
(they kiss while phone rings two
more times)
CARRIE
I don't want anymore chips...
(yawns)
Or lobster. How about champagne and candle light?
DASH
Yum.
But we're out of candles.
CARRIE
There are some dinner candles in the drawer.
DASH
Sorry. Used them on your daughter's birthday cake last Thursday.
CARRIE
Oh, I'm a rotten mother!
I should have cut class and stayed home for her birthday cake. Well, I'll cry over the photos, for penitence.
DASH
Sorry. There was no film in your camera.
CARRIE
But I always keep film in my camera!
DASH
You're very busy. Can't do everything...
(unwraps two candy bars)
Chocolate?
CARRIE
(taking chocolate)
She'll grow up hating me. She'll date pinhead football players and pierce her belly button to get back at me...
DASH
Don't worry. The flash was working. So I pretended to take pictures. Hundreds of them. The kids loved it. And she hasn't asked to see any photos, yet... so, if you don't bring it up, and I don't bring it up...
CARRIE
You've saved me. Again.
DASH
It was easy. There are advantages to dealing with preschoolers...
CARRIE
(laughs)
You really used twelve inch dinner candles on her birthday cake?
DASH
Four of 'em. One for each year. Felt I was driving stakes into a chocolate swamp when I impaled that cake. 'Twas quite a conflagration. Regular forest fire. She loved it.
We'll be planting foot long candles on her next sixteen birthday cakes. Until some jerk I have to pretend to like marries her and takes over the tradition.
CARRIE
(yawns)
Sixteen birthday cakes will pass a lot faster than you may realize, dear husband.
DASH
(yawns)
I know. I know...
Every day accelerates...
I can almost feel the acceleration. I can feel it.
(timer on his watch goes off,
making them both flinch, and then
the dog whines and scratches at
back screen door)
CARRIE
Dang. Another two dollars lost to the bookie. Congratulations.
(she fills their glasses)
DASH
You never had a chance. I've done extensive time-study analyses of cat and dog peregrinations converging on bi-directional portholes of human domiciles.
CARRIE
Huh?
DASH
Me thinks I'll let the dog in.
(exits--after letting dog in
offstage, he can be seen in bedroom
listening to answering machine)
CARRIE
(shaking her head)
The atrocities that man can commit on the English language...
But then, once in a while, he sings...
(smiling... distant)
"I've been in love with you for the last seven minutes of my life...'
God. If you had any idea how gorgeous you were. Like you stepped out of my secret dreams. But real. My best friend, my lover, before we met... And our first date, staring at paintings in the museum and I was blind: all I could do was think of your body so close I could catch your scent...
I was scared senseless. You could have done anything to me. I never want to fall in love again...
Oh, Dash. We never give ourselves any time! Let's sit down right now and plan that trip to the beach.
(Dash enters just as Carrie turns
to face him)
What about tomorrow?
DASH
Uh... tomorrow is another day?
CARRIE
The beach. Let's go tomorrow.
DASH
I've got to work tomorrow.
CARRIE
No. It's Saturday.
DASH
The message on the answering machine... It was work. I'll have to go in.
CARRIE
(walks to couch and falls onto it)
Why do I suddenly feel half-dead?
DASH
Champagne and chocolate... no dinner. Fourteen hour days. I'll make you some tea. We'll plan a trip to the beach.
(as he gets kettle going, turning
off big lobster pot, he looks
around)
Carrie, have you seen the boys?
CARRIE
(half-asleep)
Have to go... beach...soon...
DASH
(covers her with a quilt)
Wonderful, silly woman. Putting them into the yard won't save them. It's eighty miles to the beach.
(tucks her in)
Did you give them bus fare?
(kisses her forehead)
But I love you for doing it.
CARRIE
(half-asleep)
Me, too.
DASH
(softly)
What?
CARRIE
Love you.
(Dash turns off kettle, carries
Carrie into bedroom, puts her on the
bed...
Cat and dog both scratch and
meow/woof at door to be let out...
Dash exits)
(After sounds of door opened and
closed, Dash, returns, turning
off lights on way to bedroom;
he's about to turn off
nightstand light when he freezes,
stares hard at the piles of
laundry--)
CARRIE
(sitting up like a zombie)
I'll just nap one minute! Be ready... one minute...
DASH
(eases her down)
Shsssh, Carrie. It's okay. Sleep. But remind me to do some laundry before I go to work. That stuff has been there so long it's starting to move, coming alive.
(Dash gets in bed...
the lobsters come out from the
laundry... While Dash and Carry
sleep, we see the lobsters go
into the kitchen... we hear a phone
being punched, and a voice answers,
"Ja?"... we hear unintelligible
whisperings... a door opens,
then closes...these noises disturb
Dash and Carrie in their sleep and
they toss and turn and mumble
(which covers the costume change
they're doing under blankets))
SCENE II
(doorbell rings)
DASH
(more asleep than awake)
Candy bars.
(doorbell rings again)
Work.
(knocking at door)
Cat out million dollars.
(doorbell rings again)
Yeah!
(He sits up)
Okay.
(he goes to door in robe)
(opens door; a man's voice, with
slight, smooth,
educated German accent is
heard offstage)
Ah, Dashiel! So good to see you again.
DR. HEINRICH
(enters, in full tuxedo with tails,
his left hand suavely remaining
inside his jacket pocket)
DASH
(following, shuffling)
Who-- Again?
HEINRICH
After all these years. How are you, Dashiel?
DASH
How are-- Who the hell are you?
HEINRICH
Is this some kind of joke, Dashiel? I was not called in on such short notice for a simple amnesia case.
DASH
No one on earth calls me Dashiel.
HEINRICH
Quite...
DASH
I am standing in my own living room. It's three in the morning. I'm talking to some antique, over-dressed Prussian--
HEINRICH
(playfully)
Viennese! Vi-en-ese, if-you-please.
DASH
--stranger-- who has barged in--
HEINRICH
You opened your door to me, Dashiel.
DASH
Who the hell are you?
HEINRICH
Doctor Rudolph Weisbaad von Heinrich.
DASH
Who?
HEINRICH
Your analyst.
DASH
This is a dream.
HEINRICH
Of course.
DASH
This is too weird.
HEINRICH
Oh, come! Dream analysis is old hat!
This is quite a mundane dream. I could tell you stories! Some dreams I've interpreted would make your--
DASH
This is a dream!
HEINRICH
(impatient with the interruptions)
Consider it a wake-up call.
Let's get comfortable, Dashiel, shall we?
(Heinrich points at Dash, and Dash
walks backward and falls on sofa,
as if without self-will...Heinrich
pulls a chair near to head of sofa)
DASH
(attempting joke)
I suppose you want me to lie down, not facing you.
HEINRICH
My! You really have forgotten me, haven't you. I'm no Freudian, thank you very much. We sit, we chat, face to face, man to man. Right?
DASH
Sure. Yes. Right.
HEINRICH
(smoothly takes out a cigarette
case, opens it with one hand, then,
the other hand finally comes out of
the jacket pocket: it's a large
lobster claw. He selects and lights
a cigarette, holding it in his claw)
Another nail in my coffin. But we all have our vices, don't we, Dash. Makes us human.
DASH
(staring at his claw)
Human!
HEINRICH
I would hope, Dash, you haven't built up such an animosity for me, over the intervening years, that you would deny my humanity?
DASH
Claw!
HEINRICH
(glances at hand Dash points at)
Ci-gar-ette.
DASH
Oh, Christ!
HEINRICH
Really, Dashiel. A Messiah fixation?
DASH
(whispers)
You're a lobster.
HEINRICH
Now, that is interesting.
DASH
And you're pissed.
HEINRICH
Pissed! Dashiel, I assure you. You haven't begun to test my professional sang froid!
DASH
We didn't eat them. Carrie set them free. Gave them bus fare. No? Did she? Wait.
I'm sorry. I should have driven them to the beach. I just didn't have the time. With work. It's hard to get the time...Busy. Running. Rushing. No time to think.
HEINRICH
That's why I'm here, Dashiel. That is precisely what we need to speak of: Time.
DASH
Time. Time?
HEINRICH
Yes. Time.
DASH
(regaining composure by assuming
a businesslike tone)
Well, I am very busy. Actually, I'm sleeping at the moment. But I'll tell you what I will do: I'll make an appointment. I'll just go grab my calendar.
(gets up to go, but is mysteriously
held in place)
I'm almost certain next, uh, week, next-- I have some time, uh, open... next decade--next life! It's in my briefcase, in the--
CARRIE
(enters carrying Dash's calendar)
Here it is, Dash.
DASH
Bedroom.
Carrie?
CARRIE
Hello, Doktor Heinrich.
DASH
Hello, Doktor...?
HEINRICH
Carrie! Such a delight to see you again. You look radiant!
CARRIE
I wish. I look tired, wan, enervated, stressed out to the max.
HEINRICH
(embraces her paternally, ushers
her to sofa near Dash)
The children?
CARRIE
They're fine. Thank you. Although they miss us. We're so busy. So little time to play with them.
HEINRICH
Ah!
DASH
Ah?
HEINRICH
No cause for resentment. Carrie is simply farther along in her treatment than you, Dashiel.
DASH
Carrie, what is this? What's happening? He--
(points at Heinrich)
He told me this was my dream, and here you are. But okay, he's got a claw; why should I believe him anyhow.
But you. Carrie. What's this all about?
CARRIE
We're dying, Dash.
DASH
(in one long moment, he goes through
the "seven" emotional stages of
death, Carrie attempting to
interrupt him, but each
interruption sends Dash into the
next stage)
No! That's absurd.
The hell we are!
If... we are...
Then, is he from...?
Can we get a lawyer? Negotiate this?
I love you, Carrie.
We have to find a way to take care of the kids after--
CARRIE
(embracing him)
I didn't mean it that way.
I meant it more philosophically: If we are not living, Dash, we are only dying.
HEINRICH
Ah...
DASH
Ah? Again with the "Ah". You said you wanted to talk about time. Well, how much have I--we--got?
HEINRICH
Exactly as much as every other sentient being.
DASH
I'm a businessman. In college, I was a theater major. What's sentient mean?
CARRIE
Dash, Doktor Heinrich means we have now. Right now. Only now. If we don't live in the present, we don't live.
DASH
But I'm asleep! You're asleep!
HEINRICH
Ah...
DASH
(standing)
Carrie. Let's get out of this dream. We're both here, we can both leave.
CARRIE
I don't want to leave. I was hoping we could all get together and discuss--
DASH
Damnit, Carrie! I'm not going to discuss anything with-- with--
This man is a lobster!
HEINRICH
Ah!
DASH
I hate when he does that!
(he falls back on sofa)
CARRIE
(deliberate, but clearly emotional)
Dash, I miss you.
DASH
(somehow understanding)
Carrie, I'm trying... I'm trying as hard, as best I can...
But I miss you. I miss you...
Three days ago I yelled at my--our--daughter... because she was singing too loud... in the car, seven in the morning...driving her to day care... She's there in that building all day with other people...I wish you and I could have dinner and go to a play, even just once in a while, the way we used to...
(half confessing to Heinrich)
I yelled at her. She hasn't sung in the car since...
CARRIE
I want to change our lives, Dash. Everything is moving so fast, so terribly fast, and what frightens me is that nothing is going anywhere...
We spend our time, our lives, doing such trivial, dull things...
DASH
If we're not living... we're only dying?
HEINRICH
Ah!
DASH
I'd punch you, but then the ASPCA would come after me.
HEINRICH
This hostility is understandable. A part of the process. As Carrie can tell you, from her own therapy, Dashiel, the gestalt is what is so important--
DASH
Gestalt?
CARRIE
Bless you!
HEINRICH
(chuckles)
Really, Carrie. Such an antique witticism!
CARRIE
(rising)
I have to go, Dash. The rest of the dream is yours.
(kisses and hugs him)
Figure it out, please. I want to live the rest of my life with you.
HEINRICH
(kisses her hand)
Good night, dear lady. Adieu, until we meet again.
(Carrie exits)
DASH
Okay. Here we are. What do you want to talk to me about?
HEINRICH
(lights another cigarette)
Oh, let's not talk.
DASH
Not talk? You're my analyst! I'm paying you--
HEINRICH
You are not.
DASH
Paying?
HEINRICH
Correct. I am paying you--
DASH
Me?
HEINRICH
A visit.
DASH
Lobster. Psychiatrist. Comedian.
Why no talk?
HEINRICH
Talk is cheap.
DASH
You said we've meant. A long time ago. I don't recall.
HEINRICH
We've met four times.
DASH
Four times? When?
HEINRICH
(kind, but a bit patronizingly)
The first time, when you were eleven. Your mother died. You needed me. I came.
DASH
(breathing in remembered hurt)
My mother... my mother...
The next time?
HEINRICH
Ah, that was a productive visit. You remember the scholarship? Your father, a kind man. He was honestly concerned for your well-being, Dashiel--
DASH
He wanted me to go to business school. I took the scholarship to the theater program. But dad, he handled it pretty well. He only took a sledge hammer to the car...
HEINRICH
Well, he has made great strides in his therapy.
DASH
Dad is your patient!?
HEINRICH
Ah... And you recall, maybe, my third visit with you?
DASH
Carrie. When we lost the baby...
(dropping into himself from the
emotional impact)
I needed..someone...to help me...
HEINRICH
As did Carrie.
DASH
She became your patient, then?
HEINRICH
(nods)
DASH
I'm not sure we really recovered.
HEINRICH
I will always come when needed.
(rises, snuffs cigarette)
I think our session is about over. You've made some encouraging progress, Dashiel.
DASH
Wait! Can't you stay? We've just begun--
HEINRICH
I don't like to anticipate, but I am confident this session will prove a beginning, a turning point, if I am not being overly... how shall I say? Theatrical?
DASH
Thank you, doctor, for coming. Again...
HEINRICH
I'll see myself out.
DASH
(showing exhaustion, unable
to rise)
Lock door behind you, okay?
(Doktor Heinrich exits)
Oh, wait! Doktor! Don't you have a, uh, prescription, for me?
HEINRICH
(offstage, from hallway)
Yes: Slow down. Breathe. Live in the present.
DASH
That's it? That's all? Slow down? Breathe?
(lights go down to black, then come
up yellow, showing early morning...
Dash, on sofa, sleeping... There's
loud scrape on back door...)
DASH
(waking with a start)
Dog! In the present!
(he goes and lets dog out as lights
continue to brighten...
(entering but calling back offstage)
Yes, Uncle Toulouse was here. Uh, sure. He'll stay for breakfast, if you promise to sing for him today. You will? I'll tell him, darling. He'll be very happy to hear you sing again.
CARRIE
(enters)
You slept on the couch? Was I snoring again?
DASH
(comes close to her)
Did you sleep well?
CARRIE
Yes! Best I've slept in weeks. We should dine on champagne and chocolate more often.
DASH
Any dreams?
CARRIE
I never remember my dreams. You know that.
I'll take care of the kids. You get into the shower or you'll be late for work.
DASH
I'm not going to work.
CARRIE
What?
DASH
We're going to the beach. You, me, our two children and our one large dog.
CARRIE
I'm in shock. But I like it.
(she turns to go into bedroom)
DASH
(about to exit, he stops)
Let me ask you something weird...
CARRIE
Yes. You can tie me up tonight. Please.
DASH
No. I mean, yes, that's a date. But let me ask you, Carrie, do you ever drive below the speed limit?
CARRIE
That is weird. You mean, drive slower than the legally allowed speed?
DASH
Yes. Do you even know anyone who drives slower than the maximum allowed speed?
CARRIE
No. At least, no one under seventy years old.
(she exits)
DASH
(alone, musing, finding a cigarette
butt in a glass on end table near
where Dr. Heinrich sat)
It would be a start, wouldn't it? Maybe, just for an experiment, say, five miles per hour slower than the limit, all the way--no half way--to the beach? Can I really do that?
(he faces the audience...takes two
big, deep, slow breaths...then
exits)
THE END
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